The aftermath

It has almost been a month since my Dad passed away and I'm still sorting out my feelings. Sadness, relief and joy surge through my body at various times through the day. I've even stopped a few times and really concentrated - am I ignoring my grief? It feels so different than my experience with my Mom. Then I realized. It has been different. For starters, I am older - a tad more mature and sadly more accustomed to what emotions you experience when a parent dies. When my Mom died, every new emotion would bring on a shower of tears and a frantic call to a few long suffering family members and friends. This time, I know it will pass. Things will go back to the new normal. The life where I can't call my Dad. And surprisingly - I am okay with that. He was sick for so long, that I'm relieved my nightly prayers don't include a plea for him to not feel pain or sickness. I'm joyful (and a tad jealous) that he finally is in a place where he no longer misses my Mom - he's by her side.

In a way - my grief has been a lot like my Dad himself. Quiet and unassuming and a laugh with a few tears thrown in there. And really - the tears have been few. Another surprise but then again - my Dad was a man that didn't like anyone to fuss over him - even in death. He really didn't like to inconvenience anyone. There have been a few raw moments where the tears come but those are for me to know and appreciate. Truthfully, I had a much harder time when he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I have had a lot of time to deal with the eventual reality that he would not be with us much longer. And in the past few years he was around long enough to see me get married and have children - I am so grateful for that.

His service was beautiful and joyous. Can you call a funeral joyous? Hmmm. Yes, you can. And his was. It was the type of funeral I would like to have someday. A funeral with a lot of laughter and very little sadness. The type of gathering where loved ones come together and the fruits of your life are happiness, laughter and knowledge that the world was a better place because of your efforts. Where a lot of people remember you because you liked to tell jokes and stories, read books and just connect with people. Just because you were happy with the lot you had in life - which in this day and age is a very rare gift indeed.

If you had ever met my Dad, he would have tried to make a connection with you. But if he didn't know you or your parents - he at least was aquainted with someone from your family or hometown. Or knew of a distant ancestor that somehow made you related to him. It helped that he had an insane memory that allowed him to store such knowledge. But it was one of the funny habits that my Dad had and every once in a while - I catch myself doing the exact same thing, "Oh, I knew your sister in law's parents - we met once in the 6th grade." My memory is now riddled with holes because of pregnancy and new motherhood - so I doubt I'll catch up with my Dad in terms of memory.

In a few ways I feel like my life has come full circle. I used to wonder if my Dad felt sad because none of his children knew his father. My Grandpa Brown passed away shortly after my parents were married, so none of us had ever met or known him. And now I know how he felt. For my Mom and Dad's sake. My children did get to meet my Dad a few times. We spent some quality time with him this summer where he liberally showered them with kisses. But they'll never get to go through his pockets and find about a dozen Dum-Dums. Or change for candy. Or have him tease them and ask them if their name is Rumplestilskin. But that's okay because I can tell my children stories about my parents and their wonderful qualities. Just like I remember hearing about Grandpa Brown.

So in the aftermath I have taken away a few valuable lessons. I try on a daily basis to think - What would my Dad do? Would he be overly concerned that his house is messy or would he simply enjoy these little babies? Would he maybe check email while I bounced one? Or would he just wait until those little babies were napping and instead spend their awake time cuddling, kissing, tickling and simply playing with my babies? The answer is pretty obvious. For a man that had 11 children and 39 grandchildren - he really was a nut for babies. Thank goodness. I hope I can pattern my life after his. Maybe not the 11 children part - but the part where you are generally just happy with your life :) Love you Dad!

Ps - these are awesome pictures that my sister in law Elizabeth took shortly after my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. I think that everyone should get themselves a talented sister in law. :) Thanks E, I love these photos!

Newest Dad Development

Let me give you the latest Dad update:

He finished his radiation about 2 weeks ago. Over the last few weeks, he has suffered a few set-backs unrelated to his multiple myeloma (ie- broken ribs, yeast infection in the throat) but we were hopeful that he would return to the joke-telling, easy going, paperback-book-reading Grandpa Brown in no time.

We moved Dad to his  new room downstairs (which looks great!) and due to fantastic organization on our sisters' part, helping Dad with his medications is a breeze. He has a new flat screen TV, a padded reclining glider, a mini fridge and a fancy smancy new hospital bed to make him comfortable. THe best environment for a recovery and the best way to keep Dad away from the stairs :) 

However, recovery has been slower than expected. His tumors have shrunk, but he developed a blood clot in his calf and in his lung over the weekend. His appetite has decreased, and it is still difficult for him to take a deep breath (not because of his tumor but because of his broken ribs). 

Our newest development? Today Dad checked into the hospital with a bout of pneumonia. The pneumonia is affecting the upper part of his lungs and he needs IV anti-biotic-therapy but he is expected to be home by the weekend. We are hoping there will be no additional complications and a special thanks to Misha who waited at the hospital for 5 hours until they managed to find a vein to give Dad his antibiotics. 5 hours? What type of needle were they using? A straw from McDonalds? Thank you Misha!!! 

Good news!

Some may think it is strange to entitle the post - Good News!, especially since we are talking about Dad's cancer. But we know what we are dealing with: Multiple Myeloma/Plasmacytoma.

What is important is that the doctor believes that this is very treatable. We are hoping for good results and Dad is starting treatment today. He still needs to do more tests (of course) but Phew. Grateful to know and grateful for modern medicine.

Thank you for your prayers - they helped!

If you want to follow Dad's progress, we are updating his blog daily:

Phil Brown Updates

Dad Update

So we know, kind of. Dad has stage 4 cancer and it has spread to his bones but apparently it is not terminal until we have:

1) discovered what type of cancer he has
2) exhausted all treatment options available

http://philraybrown.blogspot.com/

We are hoping for the best, but we are currently waiting. Again....Did I mention that I hate waiting?

Father's Day - A Little Late

I love blogging. More specifically I love "blog stalking" others blogs. I am constantly checking various family members blogs ( Stephanie - I read your blog over and over :)). It is such a simple way to keep in touch with people. Okay, it is borderline lazy. I will say this though, there are some ways in which the blog is a form of therapy. My sister in law Stephanie writes the most amazing entries on her blog everyday, describing her emotions. She has said that it is a form of therapy for her, but it is therapy for us too.

There are other uses for blogs. My Dad has been going to a lot of Dr. appointments lately. And I have been calling up there almost every day. With 11 kids in the family, they almost need a calling service. One of my sisters suggested creating a private blog to keep the family updated. It would also be a way to update his medications, appointments and any news from the doctor. I jumped on blogger to register his name and was surprised to find out that the name philipraybrown (Philip Ray Brown) was already taken. Curious, I clicked on it and found this:

http://philipraybrown.blogspot.com/

It seems that 4 years ago, Lexi (little sister) interviewed my Dad for a school project. It was pretty concise history of my Dad. And it was so fun to read. He is a tad older. He is 72, not 73 as I was telling people - oops! When I called to wish him happy 73 - he asked why I was trying to add years to his life?

Dad in front of his favorite place. Whataburger. Have you ever seen a smile like that?

Since I missed Father's Day and his birthday (both within a few days of each other), I want to make a post about my Dad. Just share a little bit with you about him. I always loved my Dad but I didn't really appreciate him until I was older. He is a kind soul and the term "without guile" frequently comes to mind. I don't think that it occurs to him to do bad things. And his needs and wants are simple (a quality I wish I had). His favorite thing to eat is a japeleno burger form Whataburger! Like I said, his needs are very simple.

I am not the only person to see these qualities. My Mom's first impression of my Dad was that he was "so good." He takes after Grandma Brown as a natural storyteller and has a large supply of jokes. He has an amazing memory and I doubt if I have ever caught him without a book in his back pocket or his hands.

His most valuable possession is his testimony. His belief in his Savior is one of the guiding forces in his life and it was such a great example to his children. I remember him once telling me that he put the Savior first in his life, even over my Mom. When I first heard it, I was immature and in love with the idea of romance, so that was disappointing to hear. How unromantic. When I was older and wise enough to ask him to expand, he did so simply, "By putting the Savior first in my life, I am capable of loving your Mother more deeply than I ever would by myself." Wow. I can't tell you the impact that statement had on me and the qualities I sought after in a companion shifted to be more eternal, someone with a desire to do what is right. (Which I would like to say, I found :)) As I get older, I find myself seeking Dad's counsel more and more in my life, regretting I haven't used this valuable resource more.

In the end, I am more like my Mom. I am proud of that. She was a bright, energetic and fun woman. But I really wish I was more like my Dad, possessing all of the goodness that guarantees eternal blessings. I love you Dad!