Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Moving Forward But Not Moving On

I struggle with posting on my blog in general but this post was hard to make for so many different reasons. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. From the accident, the ensuing sorrow, to the planning the service - everything came in a steady stream and it culminated with a beautiful service. The service was truly beautiful, Jon, Stephanie and their bishop were the only speakers and seeing how they were the two people who knew Camille best, it was perfect. It was brief (just over 30 minutes) but I came away in awe of Jon and Stephanie. Their faith throughout this trial has been a huge example to all of us. As far as Camille is concerned, I have no doubt as to her place in heaven. In Stephanie's talk she said that, "Camille will watch over her sisters throughout their lives to make sure they return to live with her again." I believe that our loved ones that pass on before us are a huge part of our lives and Camille will be no exception.

Let's talk about the title. In the aftermath of the memorial service, we have all had to return to our lives. I didn't really want to leave. I couldn't live in Vegas forever (although that would be great) because I have a life in California. But getting back in the swing of things has been difficult for me, I can't even wrap my mind around how hard it is for Stephanie and Jon. I didn't want to return to everything with the attitude of moving on. Because I am not. There is still a little ache. Although Camille was so young and little, her absence is huge. And there will always be an absence, until she is reunited with her family in the eternities. So because I can't keep things the way they were, I have to move forward. Things are happening all around that force my life to move forward. So I am moving forward but not moving on. Not forgetting but remembering. Reminding myself that is okay to cry sometimes and to take things at my own speed.

I find that more often than not, I am grateful. Grateful for sisters, especially Buffy (seriously Buff - thank you!) for dropping everything in her life to ensure that Stephanie had Camille's baby book completed by the funeral. I am grateful to all of my sisters who watched Buffy's kids so she could work and those who worked with her (I have a LOT of sisters). I am grateful to the Harris sisters and all of the work they did to make the service beautiful. Grateful for the Harris and Waite families. I have felt so much closer to my Harris family throughout this ordeal. Grateful to my husband for teaching me about faith. Grateful to the example he is to me. Grateful that Stephanie so eloquently posts everyday on her blog. Grateful to the friends and family that have expressed their condolences and shared similar experiences of loss. And mostly I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It is through Him that we are sealed together as a family and through His Atonement we will see Camille again.

5 comments:

e said...

a perfect "coming back" post, nikki.
I like the mantra-- moving forward, but not moving on.
I have a greater love for YOU through all of this. thank you for all your strength, energy, wisdom and patience. you are invaluable member of the Harris family-- I am so glad to call you sister! (sheesh, can you handle more sisters?? :)) xo -e

Kylee said...

thanks for your sweet words! This is a tragedy that tugs at my heart. It of course, reminds my of my little brother, Grant, who also drowned. thanks for your wisdom and love. My prayers are you with you!

Carolyn said...

Amen! I so know how you feel. I'm absolutely in awe of Stephanie and what she says and feels and then posts on her blog. We are all changed from this... and in a good way. I feel very blessed, as I'm sure you do too.

www.adorn-jewelry.blogspot.com said...

Nikki,

What a beautiful post. I love how you put it...moving forward. No one wants to move on. But we all have to move forward.

Emily earl Nelson

k8 said...

i've been reading stephanie's blog since you posted this and have been so touched by her amazing faith. i don't know if it's right to say "thanks" for sharing this with all but it's been a nice reminder of the plan of salvation to read all of this. my prayers are with all of you through this.